Guide to Managers in the Workplace

Everyday it seems that people in the workplace are discovering new species and classifications of managers. With such virulent biodiversity of the ‘manager’ subspecies (procurator propirus) in the Australian workplace it can be very difficult for employees to know precisely who they’re dealing with. The following compendium has been complied as a means to better understand this creature, break it down into its appropriate subcategories and to then inform the reader what measures can be taken to acquiesce their managers.

The New Kid: Novus Genus

Description: Eager to please and keen to make their impact felt the New Kid is a wily foe. Unlike managers who were at the business when you began your employment, you have no way of knowing what the New Kid is likely to do or from which other management family they belong to. Just like proverbial cuckoo bird, the New Kid likes to cast the old eggs out of the nest and replace them with its own. This will likely mean a mass exodus of old staff and an influx of new people, loyal to the Kid. This may not necessarily be a bad thing if your old staff was grossly incompetent or you’ve been sleeping around too much. You’ll also notice that the New Kid will receive the backing of your owner or general manager a lot more than your former boss. This means that within a few short weeks they’ll have been able to make all the changes that the old manager was incapable of because of all the red tape that was thrown around them. Be aware that this may also lure you into a false sense of security.

How to deal with the New Kid: Treat them with caution. They may initially wish to befriend you, add you on facebook and take you for drinks. There’s a slim chance that these steps may be genuine. More likely, they are establishing lasting ways of keeping tabs on you and monitoring you out of work hours. Be evasive. Convince them that you are abstinent, internet-less and anti-social and you should be fine. Remember, the New Kid always has an agenda.

The Ghost: Phantasmis Turpis

Description: Like their namesake, ghosts are both invisible and insubstantial. Ghosts are difficult managers to interact with simply because their presence is so rarely felt. Occasionally a door will open, the coffee machine will show signs of use or you may feel a deep chill for no apparent reason. All of these are signs that the ghost has been in the workplace and has likely done something inconsequential that you will almost certainly fail to notice. The ghost’s insubstantiality goes beyond the physical as they are often also not able to be contacted via phone or email services. If your workplace contains a roster, the ghost will almost certainly wait until the roster is printed and then write themselves onto it in pen. This is so that their shifts appear less official and binding than those of lesser employees.

How to deal with the ghost: An effective form of combat against the ghost is yet to be established. Unlike traditional ghosts, the Phantasmis Turpis boasts an extremely high resistance to exorcists, can walk on consecrated ground and does not fear the holy word of the bible. Ghosts that have successfully been haunting establishments for years are likely to remain there until they die (again?) leaving you no option but to endure their insubstantial mannerisms.

The Owner: Erus Magna and Erus Minor

Description: There are two known classifications of the owner-manager. They refer to the amount of effort the owners are prepared to put into being managers and thus the amount of direct influence they are able to place upon you. The Erus is most commonly encounters in hospitality, retail and franchised businesses. Let us first take a look at the lesser offender, Erus Minor. Less involved in the business and happy to lay back and enjoy the profits, Erus Minor tends to adopt the approach of ‘if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it’. However, being less involved means that they seldom fix the things that are broke as well. Erus Minor predominately comes from a profitable business and feels comfortable to keep their interference to a minimum.

Erus Magna is pretty much the opposite, which naturally enough suggests that the business is generally not doing too well and that they have decided that only their divine intervention can save it. Delusions of Caesar is an unfortunate side effect and as such the Magna is incapable of accepting personal blame for anything that goes wrong. Luckily for them, since they’ve immersed themselves in the business and surrounded themselves with employees – there’s always someone to blame. Money is more of an issue for the Magna and thus you can expect to be using Windows 95 on your VGA screen Pentium II. However, the Magna is also the chief hypocrite among all the Procurator Propirus (which is an accomplishment in itself) and will use the business as their own personal ‘gentleman’s’ club, piggy bank and pick up joint.

How to deal with the owner: Erus Minor can be easily avoided. Indeed, on their rare visits to your place of employment you may even be able to befriend them. This is advisable as you may be granted boons in the future from this profitable relationship. Erus Magna is more difficult to overcome, but not impossible. As stated previously, they are major hypocrites and as such the need for them to ‘appear’ involved in the business is greater than anything else they do in the workplace. With carefully choreographed manoeuvres you should be able to keep your head down and avoid their wrath. With intensive training you may be able to choke your rage down when they bitch about how the business is failing despite the fact they’ve just taken their friends out for a three course dinner and wine on the company account. Easy now.

The Shark: Partis Vilicus

Description: If managers were rearranged into tarot deck format, this would be the death card. The shark is a vicious predator that will absolutely tear you to shreds if you put a foot wrong. Seeking the weakest prey to pick apart, they will constantly circle to employees and wait for their opportunities to strike. They are solitary creatures and mate extremely rarely, which may give reason to their temper. But the shark is more than a ruthless and evil manager, they are also extremely efficient and thoroughly manipulative. If a shark approaches you with a smile, says your name in a slightly higher voice than usual and then engages you in 15 seconds of non-work related conversation then you’d better clench hard and prepare to get fucked. Sharks got to their position by eating the smaller fish in their way and see skilled or intelligent employees as a threat. Thus, female sharks will never hire other females they perceive as more attractive or intelligent. Male sharks are simpler creatures and will almost exclusively hire attractive females. Though the male shark may nibble on his female employees, he will rarely eat them.

How to deal with a shark: Open a dictionary. Turn to the definition of the word boned. Look in dismay at how well you’ve been defined. You are boned. The shark has been doing it longer and better than you. Even if you consider yourself a smooth operator, remember that the shark is a giant fish, with rows and rows of teeth and it never sleeps. What hope have you got? Open a dictionary. Turn to the definition of the word ‘fuck-all’. Hyphenated obviously. The only known solution is to turn yourself into a remora fish, strap yourself to the shark’s belly and feed off its leavings. If that’s your path then the best of luck to you. Remember, the Shark knows it can pay you $10/hour cash instead of an official award rate and make you work overtime even though its illegal. Even the government seems to be afraid of all those teeth.

The ?: Incompertus Inpreceptus

Description: Just like you, the ? has no idea how he or she became a manager and is extremely unsure of themselves. ?s have a very difficult job ahead of them as they were have no idea how to lead staff, do paperwork or handle complaints. Just like the proverbial deer in the headlights, the ? will not notice most problems before they’ve been run over, skinned and then had their heads mounted on a display board in an Irish pub. This is particularly true of the ?s that have been promoted within your own workplace. Despite the fact they’ve been dealing with the same problems you have for the last few years, now that they’ve devolved into management they’ll fail to notice them before its too late.

How to deal with ?: A strong dose of patience is recommended in your dealings with a ? You will find many occasions when you will want lash out at them, but always remember they were once like you. With your help they may emerge as one of less incompetent members of the manager family. However, ignore them for too long and they will eventually become one of the other types of manager, most likely a ghost. The ? gives you as an employee the most free reign and so its up to you to not act like a knob and help them out.

The Paragon: Optimus Mythos

The Paragon has all but disappeared from Australian shores. Scholars speculate that they left our lands for Lothlorien, the ancestral homelands of the elves. Scientists say that they were wiped out by a disease that the unique genome that separated the Paragon from the other manager species. Sceptics maintain that they never existed. Someone once told me that the Paragons generated their own aura of light and warmth, but these reports have not yet been confirmed.

How to deal with a Paragon: Capture it, force it to breed and then slowly rehabilitate it into Australian businesses.

Disclaimer: This compendium is still a work in progress. I am currently working closely with the Society of Natural History to complete it, but I am but one man. If you have encountered other species of manager please do the following. Check to compendium to make sure they are genuinely a new species, document their activities, report them to the Society of Natural History along with a hair, blood and stool sample. Thank you.