The Layperson’s Guide to Wine Terminology

Acidity – Acidity helps to keep the wine fresh and helps preserves it from the affects of premature aging. Acidity also curbs the sickly sweetness of some dessert wines and makes them smoother. A typical level of acidity is around 3.4 pH. If you’re glass has a pH level of 2.5 or less then you’ve accidently poured yourself a glass of vinegar. Go back to the bottle shop and try again. Wines that have a pH level of 1.5 almost certainly contain battery acid and should not be consumed by anyone other than teenagers.

Acidification – Adding extra acids to the wines as they are being made to compensate for over-ripe grapes. Riper grapes have a higher sugar/water ratio which makes them sweeter. Michael Cera undergoes a daily process of acidification which has completely retarded his aging process.

Alcohol – The higher the percentage of alcohol the more pissed you’ll get per glass/bottle consumed. Australia seems to be leading a crusade with the goal of making wine more alcohol. In Alsace-Lorraine it has long been a tradition that wine should not be more than 12.8% as any higher will affect the structure/complexity of the wine too much. It is not uncommon to see red wines in Australia from between anywhere between 13.5% and 16%

Body – One of the most widely thrown around words you’ll ever hear at a cellar door. Officially the body of the wine refers to the ‘weight in the mouth’, generally expressed as being light, medium or heavy. This has a strong connection to the alcohol level of the wine as well. A full bodied red, for example, will undoubtedly have a higher alcohol level than a light. This is probably why the dainty French palate is hit for six by the heavy Australian wines and French wines taste like water to those of us who cut our teeth on Barossa reds.

Botrytis – Vines that are grown in wet or humid environments can be subject to the Botrytis Cinerea fungus. Essentially this fungus absorbs water from grapes and affects their taste. While it has been intentionally grown in order to make a particularly sweet and intensely flavoured dessert wine, it remains the scourge of many wine makers who lose entire vintages or Riesling, Semillon and Chenin Blanc. Botrytis remains one of the few ways to make Semillon into a wine that doesn’t smell and taste of sweaty underpants.

Cap – This refers to the pulp and skins of grapes in the fermentation of red wines. The cap imparts flavour and colour during the fermentation process. The cap makes it difficult to swim around in giant vats of fermenting wine, thus making it difficult for wineries to make additional money by using their vats as public baths/swimming pools.

Carbon Dioxide – Critical for making of sparkling wine. Absolutely unwanted in the creation of non-sparkling wines.

Cork – Rarely seen in modern table wines, the cork is responsible for making that satisfying ‘PLONK’ sound when you open the bottle.

Corked Wine – Defects or mould in the cork can cause a chemical imbalance in wines, called trichloranisole, which gives the wine an unpleasant smell and taste. If you’re at a cellar door and mention trichloranisole you will almost certainly look like a wanker.

Drink Now – or ‘forward’ wine has been designed to age quickly and to be consumed within a year. Cheap, cheerful and affordable.

Finish – Another word you will undoubtedly hear thrown around at the cellar door. This refers to the lasting sensation that a wine has on your palate. A well made wine will continue to taste good long after you have consumed it. The ‘finish’ is only applied to wine as it is consumed not to the long lasting taste of regurgitated red wine from the morning after a binge.

Filtration – Filtration is the final process of wine making and is used to give clarity to the wine and to basically remove any final by-products.

Flirtation – Will increase with the consumption of wine. However, the skill and methodology of flirtation will decrease significantly after the third glass.

Flying Winemaker – A term used to describe a wine maker contracts themselves out to wineries without remaining permanently attached to a single winery. Not as funny or interesting as it sounds.

Hybrid – A hybrid grape is one that has cultivated out of two or more vitis species. Many of the most prolific varieties used in Australia are hybrids; cabernet sauvignon, sauvignon blanc, pinot noir, petit verdot etc.

Lees – The solid junk left over after the fermentation process, mostly dead yeast and grape pulp. Good eating.

Nose – Along with ‘finish’ and ‘body’ makes up the trio of most commonly used words at a cellar door. Not overly complicated, it refers to what the sensory receptors in your nose translate to your brain when you smell a wine.

Oenology – The science of winemaking. Essentially a lot of chemistry.

Palate – Along with the nose, the palate is your internal wine critic that judges every glass you drink. It is the palate that decides on the body, taste, finish and tannins of a wine. As your personal wine critic it will also provide you with a veritable encyclopaedia of wine descriptors that you can use. Your palate might tell you that you’re tasting almost anything from chocolate to tomato bush. You’ll be saying words like ‘herbaceous’, ‘earthy’, ‘oaked’ and ‘zesty’ before you know it.

Placebo Wine – Placebo wine is everywhere and only the very shrewd or very sober are able to avoid purchasing it. Obviously, the very poor don’t purchase it either but that’s only because they don’t have a choice. Placebo wine can find its way onto your winer ack via three routes, but is invariably a bad wine. Firstly, it can be presented to you by an attractive member of the opposite sex or an extremely charismatic member of the same sex, using their persuasive wiles to send you away with a truly bad wine. Secondly, the winery itself make succeed in convincing you that it can produce good wine. It can do this by looking picturesque, having old timey charm, hanging artwork on its walls or having awesome tasting glasses. Finally, you might just be pissed enough to fool your own self into buying crap wine which your alcohol addled brain has convinced you is faaaaaantastic. *hiccup*

Sulphur Dioxide – Essentially used as an antiseptic and antioxidant in wines. Ever wondered where that truly awful wine hangover came from? Chances are you drank an overly sulphuric wine and it went to town on you.

Tannins – Extremely hard to explain. There are a dozen different definitions out there and all of them are probably at least semi-partially correct. Tannins are a chemical that occur in all plant life. Now, in terms of wine, the tannins that occur in grapes are harsher and more powerful than the softer and more well aged tannins that occur in wine barrels. Thus, wine aged in barrels longer takes on more of these ‘good’ tannins and produces a smoother, more complex and potentially much better tasting wine. A strong tannic taste occurs when a wine is too young or hasn’t been barrel aged for very long. Vines and stems also contain strong tannins which, unless the grapes are handpicked and stemmed, will invariably end up contributing to the taste of the wine. In terms of tasting, tannins are often associated with astringency. People will often refer to the ‘puckering sensation’ that tannins leave in their mouths. As tannins age they turn into sediment. Thus, many old wines with has a considerable amount of sediment at the bottom of the bottle as the tannins have matured.

Viticulture – The science of growing and harvesting grapes. Essentially a lot of chemistry.

Win – The feeling you get after drinking a spectacular bottle of wine. High levels of win are often accompanied by high levels of intoxication.

Guide to Managers in the Workplace

Everyday it seems that people in the workplace are discovering new species and classifications of managers. With such virulent biodiversity of the ‘manager’ subspecies (procurator propirus) in the Australian workplace it can be very difficult for employees to know precisely who they’re dealing with. The following compendium has been complied as a means to better understand this creature, break it down into its appropriate subcategories and to then inform the reader what measures can be taken to acquiesce their managers.

The New Kid: Novus Genus

Description: Eager to please and keen to make their impact felt the New Kid is a wily foe. Unlike managers who were at the business when you began your employment, you have no way of knowing what the New Kid is likely to do or from which other management family they belong to. Just like proverbial cuckoo bird, the New Kid likes to cast the old eggs out of the nest and replace them with its own. This will likely mean a mass exodus of old staff and an influx of new people, loyal to the Kid. This may not necessarily be a bad thing if your old staff was grossly incompetent or you’ve been sleeping around too much. You’ll also notice that the New Kid will receive the backing of your owner or general manager a lot more than your former boss. This means that within a few short weeks they’ll have been able to make all the changes that the old manager was incapable of because of all the red tape that was thrown around them. Be aware that this may also lure you into a false sense of security.

How to deal with the New Kid: Treat them with caution. They may initially wish to befriend you, add you on facebook and take you for drinks. There’s a slim chance that these steps may be genuine. More likely, they are establishing lasting ways of keeping tabs on you and monitoring you out of work hours. Be evasive. Convince them that you are abstinent, internet-less and anti-social and you should be fine. Remember, the New Kid always has an agenda.

The Ghost: Phantasmis Turpis

Description: Like their namesake, ghosts are both invisible and insubstantial. Ghosts are difficult managers to interact with simply because their presence is so rarely felt. Occasionally a door will open, the coffee machine will show signs of use or you may feel a deep chill for no apparent reason. All of these are signs that the ghost has been in the workplace and has likely done something inconsequential that you will almost certainly fail to notice. The ghost’s insubstantiality goes beyond the physical as they are often also not able to be contacted via phone or email services. If your workplace contains a roster, the ghost will almost certainly wait until the roster is printed and then write themselves onto it in pen. This is so that their shifts appear less official and binding than those of lesser employees.

How to deal with the ghost: An effective form of combat against the ghost is yet to be established. Unlike traditional ghosts, the Phantasmis Turpis boasts an extremely high resistance to exorcists, can walk on consecrated ground and does not fear the holy word of the bible. Ghosts that have successfully been haunting establishments for years are likely to remain there until they die (again?) leaving you no option but to endure their insubstantial mannerisms.

The Owner: Erus Magna and Erus Minor

Description: There are two known classifications of the owner-manager. They refer to the amount of effort the owners are prepared to put into being managers and thus the amount of direct influence they are able to place upon you. The Erus is most commonly encounters in hospitality, retail and franchised businesses. Let us first take a look at the lesser offender, Erus Minor. Less involved in the business and happy to lay back and enjoy the profits, Erus Minor tends to adopt the approach of ‘if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it’. However, being less involved means that they seldom fix the things that are broke as well. Erus Minor predominately comes from a profitable business and feels comfortable to keep their interference to a minimum.

Erus Magna is pretty much the opposite, which naturally enough suggests that the business is generally not doing too well and that they have decided that only their divine intervention can save it. Delusions of Caesar is an unfortunate side effect and as such the Magna is incapable of accepting personal blame for anything that goes wrong. Luckily for them, since they’ve immersed themselves in the business and surrounded themselves with employees – there’s always someone to blame. Money is more of an issue for the Magna and thus you can expect to be using Windows 95 on your VGA screen Pentium II. However, the Magna is also the chief hypocrite among all the Procurator Propirus (which is an accomplishment in itself) and will use the business as their own personal ‘gentleman’s’ club, piggy bank and pick up joint.

How to deal with the owner: Erus Minor can be easily avoided. Indeed, on their rare visits to your place of employment you may even be able to befriend them. This is advisable as you may be granted boons in the future from this profitable relationship. Erus Magna is more difficult to overcome, but not impossible. As stated previously, they are major hypocrites and as such the need for them to ‘appear’ involved in the business is greater than anything else they do in the workplace. With carefully choreographed manoeuvres you should be able to keep your head down and avoid their wrath. With intensive training you may be able to choke your rage down when they bitch about how the business is failing despite the fact they’ve just taken their friends out for a three course dinner and wine on the company account. Easy now.

The Shark: Partis Vilicus

Description: If managers were rearranged into tarot deck format, this would be the death card. The shark is a vicious predator that will absolutely tear you to shreds if you put a foot wrong. Seeking the weakest prey to pick apart, they will constantly circle to employees and wait for their opportunities to strike. They are solitary creatures and mate extremely rarely, which may give reason to their temper. But the shark is more than a ruthless and evil manager, they are also extremely efficient and thoroughly manipulative. If a shark approaches you with a smile, says your name in a slightly higher voice than usual and then engages you in 15 seconds of non-work related conversation then you’d better clench hard and prepare to get fucked. Sharks got to their position by eating the smaller fish in their way and see skilled or intelligent employees as a threat. Thus, female sharks will never hire other females they perceive as more attractive or intelligent. Male sharks are simpler creatures and will almost exclusively hire attractive females. Though the male shark may nibble on his female employees, he will rarely eat them.

How to deal with a shark: Open a dictionary. Turn to the definition of the word boned. Look in dismay at how well you’ve been defined. You are boned. The shark has been doing it longer and better than you. Even if you consider yourself a smooth operator, remember that the shark is a giant fish, with rows and rows of teeth and it never sleeps. What hope have you got? Open a dictionary. Turn to the definition of the word ‘fuck-all’. Hyphenated obviously. The only known solution is to turn yourself into a remora fish, strap yourself to the shark’s belly and feed off its leavings. If that’s your path then the best of luck to you. Remember, the Shark knows it can pay you $10/hour cash instead of an official award rate and make you work overtime even though its illegal. Even the government seems to be afraid of all those teeth.

The ?: Incompertus Inpreceptus

Description: Just like you, the ? has no idea how he or she became a manager and is extremely unsure of themselves. ?s have a very difficult job ahead of them as they were have no idea how to lead staff, do paperwork or handle complaints. Just like the proverbial deer in the headlights, the ? will not notice most problems before they’ve been run over, skinned and then had their heads mounted on a display board in an Irish pub. This is particularly true of the ?s that have been promoted within your own workplace. Despite the fact they’ve been dealing with the same problems you have for the last few years, now that they’ve devolved into management they’ll fail to notice them before its too late.

How to deal with ?: A strong dose of patience is recommended in your dealings with a ? You will find many occasions when you will want lash out at them, but always remember they were once like you. With your help they may emerge as one of less incompetent members of the manager family. However, ignore them for too long and they will eventually become one of the other types of manager, most likely a ghost. The ? gives you as an employee the most free reign and so its up to you to not act like a knob and help them out.

The Paragon: Optimus Mythos

The Paragon has all but disappeared from Australian shores. Scholars speculate that they left our lands for Lothlorien, the ancestral homelands of the elves. Scientists say that they were wiped out by a disease that the unique genome that separated the Paragon from the other manager species. Sceptics maintain that they never existed. Someone once told me that the Paragons generated their own aura of light and warmth, but these reports have not yet been confirmed.

How to deal with a Paragon: Capture it, force it to breed and then slowly rehabilitate it into Australian businesses.

Disclaimer: This compendium is still a work in progress. I am currently working closely with the Society of Natural History to complete it, but I am but one man. If you have encountered other species of manager please do the following. Check to compendium to make sure they are genuinely a new species, document their activities, report them to the Society of Natural History along with a hair, blood and stool sample. Thank you.

Kabminye Wines - Star of the Barossa

"Wine is the most civilized thing in the world." - Ernest Hemingway

It is hard for me to imagine a trip to the Barossa Valley without paying a visit to Kabminye. Like the ‘morning star’ after which it is named, Kabminye has been something of a navigational beacon during my travels through the valley. Richard and Ingrid Glastonbury have designed and built a cellar door that no wine enthusiast should fail to experience.

But, as David Attenborough always asks – ‘why?’ Well, unlike the mating rituals of the mudskipper, the answer is quite simple. The Glastonbury family have made a winery that is the perfect example of cellar doors in South Australia should be like. The first and arguably the most essential component of any cellar door experience is the wine itself, which Kabminye certainly delivers on. Something that I have always been certain of upon my numerous returns is that Ric will have either a vintage available for tasting, a wine made in a style that I’ve never heard of or an entirely different variety that I’ve never heard of. The Schielbs Block 2004, for example is a beautiful rich red wine made from Carignane, Cinsault and Mataro grapes. With the exception of Mataro, I have not seen these varieties used anywhere else in South Australia. The more sceptical may consider the reason that such grapes aren’t used more commonly is because they simply aren’t as robust or potent as Shiraz or Cabernet grapes. But they’d be wrong!

As I said before, its arguable that the most important thing a cellar door presents to its customers is the wine. I’ve been to some wineries with phenomenal wine that I’ve never visited again. This is either because I was treated dismissively by the cellar door staff or I was subjected to a more textbook approach to marketing by some inspiring business graduate who fancied themselves a wine buff. However, all one needs do is to show just the slightest hint of interest in wine to be able to engage Ric in rich conversation. The fact that he both makes and sells the wine means that there isn’t a question you can ask that he won’t have a response for. Unlike some of the programmable automatons you may encounter at some cellar doors, Ric has a passion about what he does that comes through in both the taste and presentation of his wine.

The wine list itself is more complex and extensive than most others. Only several wineries that I have visited over the last few years have a comparable number of wines available for sale. The benefit with having such a variety of wines available is two fold. Firstly, it has provided a chance for Kabminye to be creative with their wines and to try things that other wineries haven’t. Secondly, it provides something for everyone. I have been to Kabminye with over twenty different people now, some of whom are white lovers, others are red loves and one who only drank fortified and dessert wines. Everyone of these people found multiple wines that they enjoyed. For my own part, I surrendered for the first time in my campaign against Semillon and admitted that I’d finally found one that I enjoyed. That was harder for me to do than it was for Napoleon to admit that maybe Waterloo wasn’t such a good idea.

But at the end of the day, my words alone aren’t enough to sell this winery to anyone. You’ve got to experience it for yourself. And honestly, you can make a very fine day out of Krondorf road. Kabminye is situated amongst Grant Burge, Charles Melton, Rockford Wines, Villa Tinto and Saint Hallet. My only advice is that you start with Kabminye – it’ll set your tasting day off on a high and your palate will be firing on cylinders.

Henry Suggests

Kabminye Semillon - if only so you can actually see what a decent one tastes like

Schliebs Block - A beautifully constructed red wine created with some varities rarely seen in Australia

Hubert Shiraz - A powerful and full bodied red which represents what the Barossa is famous for

VLH Muscat Blanc - a lovely dessert wine, perfect for a hot summers day or finishing off a nice meal

Kabminye Wines

Krondorf Road

Tanunda

8563 0889